Here we go again, the time of year when the National Association of Letter Carriers (AFL-CIO)’s work comp filings go up by at least 10%. “Letter Carriers” my ass! What with the whole necessity of delivering Restoration Hardware “source books,” let’s just call a spade a spade: more like the National Association of Bowling Ball Carriers once they spend a day lifting those packages. Chronic lower back pain, strained lats, neck spasms – it happened back in 2014 and now I’m sure it’s happening again. Frankly, if RH keeps this up, the USPS may have to consider axle enhancements for many of its local delivery trucks.
All I can tell you is THANK GOD I began Cross Fit in March. Last year I swung the 17 lb bag of monochrome style folios up from my stoop and nearly had a coronary event as I lugged them into my home. And what’s with the slippery plastic wrapping? They could at least give us hand holds to grip onto. This year, applying the appropriate squat technique from my clean and jerks (which I have only recently realized is NOT called a snatch and grab), I was able to wrestle that beast off the portico and onto my forearms like nobody’s business. My technique eclipsed that of a hungry lioness dragging home a 1200 lb. cape buffalo, if I do say so myself. I seem to recall hearing one of my neighbors exclaim … “Wowww” as she backed away to call her husband for assistance with her RH deposit.
Once inside, I decided a few overhead squats with the catalogs were in order – just to test my mettle. (See photo below)
And then I thought, next time there’s a Murph*, I’m gonna roll each “book” up and stick them all into the slots of my very own weight vest. That way I can do my workout with RH close to my heart, because what better way is there to honor a fallen American Hero who died protecting my right to be mailed the heaviest catalog on earth against my will? Just think, if he’d had a set of these “books,” they may have protected him significantly better than the standard-issue Kevlar vests they’ve been dispensing down at Coronado. I reckon that if being mailed a 17 lb piece of junk mail isn’t the most stunning example of the power of a corporation to exert its individual right to free speech, I don’t know what is. And you know those Navy Seals just live for their next purchase of fancy RH poolside furniture when they aren’t out there in the God-forsaken desert gunning down bad guys. Hell, maybe we should advise them to take along a few thousand kilos of RH catalogs for their next bombing raid – nothing like “leafleting” the enemy – Patriot-style.
So, what to do with the catalog until my next Murph? Well first of all, with a winter like we just had, I’ve sworn I’m gonna get prepared early this year, and I know I can use all the ballast I can possibly find to combat the fish-tailing tendencies of my beat up minivan. Who needs four-wheel drive when you can have the added traction of the RH “source books?” Since the catalogs will be in the car anyway, I will now have access to a full 7″ of insulation any time I need it. If you’re anything like me, October through late November you’re freezing your ass off at multiple stadiums around your county watching your kids play second-rate sports and wondering why you didn’t just get a couple of extra housebound pets and call it quits at that. Well friends, with the help of the RH “bundle” you will freeze-no-more. In fact, there’s so much insulation there that you will have plenty of cold-busting layers to share with all your friends. My guess is with your new RH butt-saver-bundle, you could now sit in an igloo stadium watching Eskimos play a game of ice ball and it would feel like a spring day in Savannah, you’ll be so comfortable.
Speaking of spring, do you feel like you should also be getting some warm weather use out of these things? Imagine the shock that first mosquito of the season is going to get when you whack him and all his buzzing friends from behind with 17 lbs of lethal RH force. Talking about force – I’m thinking about starting a new RH self defense course. Jab the sharp corners into your attacker’s eyes; place the slippery pages below his feet so he will slip and fall while running with you in a headlock; let’s face it, just one blow of the RH pile to the scrotum and your attacker isn’t getting back up any time in the near future. Future female fraternity-party goers, take note – arm your self with the RH bundle and do it early…
The RH “source books” 2015 model is just the gift that keeps on giving. Frankly, if you can persuade a bunch of your neighbors into giving you theirs, and you – like I – are strong enough to carry them – just stack several bundles up. Voila your very own DIY RH coffee table …MOVE OVER IKEA hack websites! No need to buy ANYTHING from this catalog ever again.
* Murph: An agonizingly long CrossFit workout dedicated to a fallen Navy Seal.
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Restoration Hardware’s Bogus, “What Do You Think We Are, Stupid?” Enviro-Caveat Page, recreated below, for your eye-rolling pleasure:
OUR COLLECTION
OF SOURCE BOOKS
IS MAILED ONCE A YEAR.
Our 6 source books – 2 Lifestyle and 4 category books – are published just once a year and shipped to you in a single package. BLAH BLAH BLAH
OUR PAPER
IS FOREST CERTIFIED.
Our source books are printed on FSC chain-of-custody certified paper. 100% of the fiber used in our paper is sourced from responsibly managed forests. We are the founding sponsor of the Verso Forest Certification Grant Program. The program provides start-up funding to expand forest certification BLAH-BLAH, BLAH-BLAH, BLAH-BLAH
And here it is, in it’s entirety, as a link for those who really want to eye-roll: Restoration Hardware’s Disingenuous Enviro-Caveat – What B.S.!
dispatchfromthecave 